Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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