Dude my mom stole all your condoms
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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