peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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