The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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