I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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