Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
