YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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