True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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