I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
