Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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