I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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