There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I supernannyed him into submission
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
