I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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