walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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