All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
im on a boat
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