woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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