there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
