what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
