My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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