AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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