Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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