I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
