I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
