If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
