so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
