Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dignity is for republicans.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
