i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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