I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
