So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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