Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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