They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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