Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
