Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
