So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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