Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize