dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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