Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
