I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
