I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
