i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
