remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
