May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Terrible idea I love it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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