we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
