What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
