life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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