I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
