$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
