i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
