I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize
