I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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