Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
