And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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