she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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