it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
