i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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