Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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