see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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