..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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