lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
