his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
