I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize