Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
