last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize