Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
